Yesterdays
by aangelhart
Summary: A Chiana fic. A possible scene that she may have experienced while being apart from Moya and the crew.


Yesterdays  
By  
Angel  
  
Summary: "She lies still, more broken than she was yesterday, more determined than she   
was today"  
  
Disclaimers:I owe nothing. Never have *sigh* probably never will.  
  
Thanks:Expressed gratitude to Unohoo for being my beta, even at such short notice.  
  
XXX  
  
She arrives on this planet as she had the last two, shrouded in a grey hooded cloak. She steps carefully away from the pod that brought her here. It wouldn't do to be seen by the inhabitants of it, still in ignorance of their stowaway. Two more steps take her to the guard who stands to attention, pulse pistol in hand.  
  
"State your business on Onicas" He demands, not looking at her.  
  
"Pleasure. I have money and the urge to spend." She answers more calmly than she feels.  
  
She is relieved to see him nod, waving the pistol at her to move forward.  
  
She walks through the outpost, looking from left to right as she moves. She hopes that this planet holds the key to Nerri's whereabouts. The last two had not. And yet, all of these planets boasted Nebari resistance. The warning beacons placed by Grayza and the Peacekeepers have stopped her from looking too deep. She has to move quickly, in, question, then out. No time to see if she is being lied to. No time to see if Nerri has walked the planets surface. But it is all she has. And it is more than she had yesterday.   
  
She smiles at that. Remembers when Crichton had held her, telling her the same thing when she found that her beloved brother was still alive. Her mind drifts for a microt and she revels in the comfort that comes with it.  
  
She moves on. Studying the pretty lights and colours that adorn this new planet. It is a betting planet, a planet of pleasure. She shakes the thought away. She is here for more important reasons. And she marvels at how much she has grown up these past few cycles. Nerri will be proud of her, he will want her; need her to join his Resistance. She hopes.  
  
She enters a building, the neon sign above daring that you can find everything you hearts desire under its roof. Her heart desires many things, none of which will be found in the building. But it's a start. Another start. She had lied about the money. She had used the last of her currency on food. And she needs more. It wouldn't hurt to use her powers, just this once, to benefit her need to stay alive. But the powers have become stronger, clearer and more precise to the present, rather than the future. But she can handle the pain, the fear of being temporarily blinded. Something given, something taken away, a fair trade.   
  
XXX  
  
The arn passes quickly and brings with it new found riches. She wanders from gaming post to gaming post. Understanding the need to keep moving, to not cause interest. But its too late she realises as two alien guards block her way. She smiles sweetly, tilting her head in question.  
  
"Come with us please." Said so nicely that she can almost believe that it is a courteous request. Almost.   
  
She nods, causing a scene will not help. She has learned that from past experiences. So she allows them to take her by the arms and lead her to a room. They motion for her to sit, which she does. Smiling so much her face aches from the façade. And she waits.  
  
"You are a lucky lady." Another alien states, coming in to view. She laughs quietly in answer. Then stops as the alien continues, "Which in itself is going to prove unlucky"  
  
Her mind panics, her eyes dart from side to side but there is no escape. "Then I will leave." She states calmly. When no answer is forthcoming she continues along a different track. "I only came to seek my brother. Maybe you know of him, seen him?"  
  
The change in conversation confuses the alien, but he takes the bait anyway, "Brother? Who would that be?"  
  
"He goes by the name of Nerri. He is leader of the resistance." She has been very careful in her search. Only targeting planets that Nebari Resistance have inhabited, helped. She hopes that this planet is like the others, eager to give some of the help back.  
  
"Yes. He has been here. Has helped in the quest to keep Peacekeepers at bay. He is your brother?"  
  
She sighs with relief, "Yes." The relief is short lived.  
  
"But I rely on Peacekeeper trade. So I have no binds that tie me to your brother's renegade outfit. He serves no purpose to me. But you..." The glint in his eyes finishes the sentence. She shifts in her chair as he reaches to touch her face. "May prove an interesting feat."  
  
She has learned to block her mind, to not struggle so much. It only makes the pain more sever and the desire more heated. Later, much later she will remember the details. They will haunt her dreams, and take with it what little left she holds on to.  
  
Time shifts in slow motion, playing out the scene she is yet to be part of. It blinds her for a while and she is thankful. She succumbs to it. Blocking the inevitable, searching her mind for happy thoughts, thoughts of Moya, her friends, and her brother. She holds these in her mind as the aliens take what they want from her, something that isn't theirs to have. And she purses her lips. Not allowing the satisfaction of seeing her disgust, her pain.   
  
In a time past she would have played their games willingly. In a time past she would care not for others. In a time past she would have been mind cleansed. And she wishes for that now, if only to cleanse the dirt from her skin. The dirt that can't be washed, no matter how hard she scrubs.  
  
XXX  
  
She lies still, more broken than she was yesterday, more determined than she was today. She will heal and the scars will fade. The memories wont. They never do. She wraps her cloak around her shivering body. Her mind screaming that she should have fought harder shouldn't have fought at all. Should have known, once a tralk, always a tralk. This is her doing, her fault. She shakes her head in protest. She is tired of blaming herself for the injustice of the universe. She is not guilty of this encounter. Her mind screams the opposite, making her thoughts verbal. "No!" As if saying it aloud will make it all right, will make the pictures in her head disappear.  
  
She focuses on a spot above her head. Imagines that she sees Nerri's face hidden in the cracks. He isn't there. He isn't here. He isn't anywhere. She closes her eyes, and she cries.   
  
When she feels the hand on her cheek she jumps, fear rising in her throat. The hand catches a tear; the voice whispers her name. "Chiana, oh Chiana." It is so soft, if not for the burning touch she could almost be imagining it. She opens her eyes, just a little, ready to clamp them shut if the being in front of her is not who she hopes for.  
  
Meelak; her brother's closest friend stands before her. She sits too quickly, wincing and grabbing the cloak before it reveals her naked form underneath. And she blinks slowly, hoping that this is not another cruel trick. When her eyes open, he is still there, hand wavering close to her face.  
  
She grabs at it, pulling him closer, "Nerri." She whispers with hope in her heart and tears in her eyes.  
  
He nods, "Is here. But he needs to leave. He doesn't know you are here. I can take you.." His words are cut off as she interrupts.  
  
"Yes now. Take me now!"  
  
He yanks her hand to get her full attention, and he speaks slowly, "You have to understand Chiana. He has important missions to complete. He cannot hope to achieve this if his mind is elsewhere. On your safety, if he knew what took place here, he would, will compromise the next mission."  
  
He waits for the information to take effect. Is satisfied when she nods in understanding, "So, I wont tell if you don't. Just, just let me see him. Please." She begs.  
  
He pulls her to her feet, "And you will not persuade him to let you accompany him? He needs to understand that you are safe, can take care of yourself."  
  
She pulls her hand free, beginning a search for her clothes. "I can take care of myself." She whispers, if only to convince herself.  
  
XXX  
  
And she had thought leaving Moya was the hardest decision she would ever make in her lifetime. Standing in front of her brother, Nerri, she knows differently now. She cocks her head to one side; eyes shining from tears that slide uncontrollably down her pale, grey skin. She tries to find a happier place, a place where the pain can't touch her. It isn't there to be found. She knows one exists; a place where she laughs with her friends, a place where she feels safe and sound.  
  
His voice brings her back to the present and with it yet another painful jolt to her heart. "I can't make you leave. I wont stop you from staying. I just want you, need you to know what will happen." He reaches out to stop a tear from splashing to the ground.  
  
She draws back from the impeding touch. Wrapping her hands around herself. Shaking her head in anger, in pain. Her promise to Meelak forgotten, "But I want...." She stops, memories of a similar conversation surfacing, echoes of a reply making her shiver. //Since when do we get what we want?// She shakes the memory away. "...You to be safe." She finishes. And to make him safe, she will have to leave him.  
  
He smiles sadly. "As I do you. I can't do this if I have to worry about you." He holds up a hand to stop any interruptions, "I know you have changed. You have become stronger, stronger than I had ever hoped for. It's not enough though. If they get their hands on you, I would have no choice. It wouldn't be a choice." He whispers, pulling her into his arms, stroking her hair, drowning her sorrows with his touch.  
  
"Crichton is so much like you Nerri. You would like him you know." She whispers into his jacket. "He would like you."  
  
"I'm sure we will meet one day Chiana. Just not today. You have to go back. Find him. Warn him. Help him. He needs you more."  
  
She pulls away from him, anger distorting her features. "But I need you!" She cries.  
  
"And I need to you are safe. Do you understand? Please, understand." He begs trying to pull her back, feeling the loss tenfold as she pulls further from his touch.  
  
She wants to tell him what has happened to her. He would take her then, he would want her to be safe with him. But she can't. He is too important. Too needed. She has seen him, touched him. It's more than she had yesterday, enough to keep her going today. So she smiles as her mind screams in anger. And she nods, knowing that she has lost again.   
  
He moves away from her, holding her hands up in front of him. "We will be together again one day Chiana, you believe that don't you?"   
  
She nods again. She needs to believe it; she has to believe it. Hope. Not just a word to her anymore. Hope. It's what they all live for now.   
  
She doesn't need to search anymore. She has found what she had lost. And it is safe. He is safe. She will start a new search; one for her friends. Nerri has arranged transport, safe passage to another planet, one that hosts no casinos, no temptations.   
  
He presses a chip in to her hand. Her eyes widen in recognition. A Life Disc. She shakes her head, pushing the disc back to him. "No. I don't want it. There must be another way." She won't allow herself to be hostage to it. Waiting for the red light to diminish. She can't live like that. Waiting.  
  
He nods and pockets the disc and smiles sadly, "Other ways will still involve waiting." He understands her too well.  
  
"Yeah, well, I'll take the other way. At least there is still hope that way."  
  
He laughs softly, "Hope. A word I have come to live by." Like brother like sister.  
  
She watches as he leaves. Memorising every detail. Determined that these will fill her dreams, take away the impending nightmares. And it's enough.   
  
He looks back once, doing the same. And then he is gone. Taking with him what little she has left. Replacing it with something new, something worth keeping.  
  
She heads for the other transport pod, ready to begin her new search. And she is angry again. Angry with the wanted beacons; angry with herself; angry with the universe.   
  
But the universe can handle it.   
  
And now, she can handle a whole lot more.   
  
~~~End~~~ 


End file.
